Somewhere to let it all out

Ive had such a weird few weeks that have included sitting in a KGB prison cell in Vilnius, Lithuania, contemplating just about every aspect of my life, grieving, comforting family, backing out of a job interview and realising that nothing is ever as simple as you want it to be and absolutely everything happens for a reason.

I dont want to talk about the grieving bit because I feel ive done it to death (oh the pun) and its not going to do me any favours. Needless to say everybody knows what it feels like to lose someone and knowing its an inevitable part of life never makes it any easier.

Vilnius was quite something. I wasn't actually overly enamoured with it and I have to say it probably ranks somewhere near the bottom of my places ive visited list. I guess when you have spent considerable time exploring such beautiful cities as Rome, Paris and Prague then Viunius feels cold, concrete, unengaging and very very Russian (which is no bad thing necessarily but quite different). Riga, Latvia, a mere few hundred miles away is pretty and quaint and very medievil but Vilnius seems to have been built by the same people who built aberdeen. We were unlucky in that it drizzled continuously and was grey grey grey the whole time we were there which didnt help. Even Aberdeen has a glittering quality when the sun falls on the granite walls.

The food was not quite inedible but difficult to navigate. We had a fantastic vegan curry on our final night but everywhere else the concept of vegetarianism seemed completely misunderstood. 'Vegetarian' food we had included a pizza (labelled vegetarian) which had a sneaky layer of ham underneath the topping, hidden as if to trick you into eating it so someone could then jump out and go 'SEE ! IT WON'T KILL YOU!' as if your dietary choices were made through naivity or ignorance.  Also 'vegetarian' - the classic 'beer snack' of cooked garlic rubbed rye bread......fried in pig fat. I have bought a loaf of said rye bread home and perfected cooking it with ground nut oil, its incredibly tasty.

I am at a loss as to why Vilnius has both UNESCO world heritage status and is the capital of culture next year. I mean if they wanted a baltic city Riga is much nicer. In Vilnius the people seem to have this depressing air hanging over them (apparently much similar to Poland and it could realistically be stemming from the same reasons) but it doesnt endorse the place to you. I have to say that I have also NEVER in my life experienced such utterly appalling (pretty much non existent) service anywhere. At first we thought it was kinda funny but by the time we left it was actually just incredibly frustrating that every time we sat down you just knew you had to factor in half an hour each to get menus/to get our order taken/to get drinks/to subsequently get the bill....it was tedious. At times we could actually see our order on the bar waiting and it was just a complete loss as to why the seemingly capable waiter/waitress was just ignoring it. Bizarre.

The KGB prison was fascinating in a very morbid way. The padded cell got me, there was no light. If you werent mad before you would be when you got out. Horrible place.

Anyway, other stuff - I backed out of the interview previously mentioned and may have commited professional suicide in doing so, I hope not. Other events in my life have taken precendance in recent weeks and I had to make some tough decisions. Actually I felt relief immediately on backing out of it which meant I knew I had made the right decision. The friend I was up against didnt get it either. Mad world.

Things in the office seem more settled and im trying to embrace the management side of my role even though I hate it. Interesting times ahead I think. Nothing doing romantically although I keep having very bizarre dreams, last night it was that I pulled on a train somewhere but my aunt was there trying to stop it. I was drinking tea out of a glass milk bottle and was terrified it was going to break in my mouth.

anyway, im very very glad its friday and as I am skint I shall be doing very little and certainly not going out. How very rock and roll of me.

So....whats making me feel like this? Well it seems at the moment that every area of my life is at some kind of cross roads and I could do without having to make decisions about it all which may come back to haunt me. Work for instance, the tension between me and the friend I share an office with has been resolved but now we have both gone for another job (same org just higher position) and have both been shortlisted for interviewed. We were pitted against each other for the role I currently have....to complicate matters further I am not even sure I want the role....its a swings and roundabouts thing - I would trade line management (which I hate) for longer working hours (to include breakfast meetings etc), the money is slightly better (next scale up) but I would lose my expenses because of where its based so overall would probably be bringing home the same, the profile is much higher - working on executive level and thats probably the biggest draw - but that means that the pressure to perform would be higher. Hmmm.

At home there are various shitty situations going on, family are going through a rough time and im acting as a constant sounding board for various members, then there is the problem of the people downstairs...is it me or is it just plain rude to do/allow the following things when you live in a block of flats?

1) Hammer repeatedly for over an hour at gone midnight

2) Have the flat FULL of people laughing, joking, shouting until the early hours with all the windows open on a weeknight (frequently)

3) On one particular night as described in (2) allow 4 children under the age of 6 to run up and down the communal stairs repeatedly ringing the flats buzzer and yelling through the intercom and when confronted on this at 12.15am to respond with 'they're kids - what do you want me to do?'

They have also installed a GIGANTIC satellite dish on the side of their flat directly under my living room window despite the fact ALL of the flats have a lease agreement to use the communal dishes and not install their own....its now playing havoc with my sky plus which keeps freezing.

Thankfully since the start of Ramadan they have gone suspiciously quiet, im assuming that the fasting during the day means they only want to eat and sleep of an evening and leave the partying/furniture building to daylight hours. Its so strange, since the moment they moved in they are quiet during the day and dont even start making noise til gone 10pm...they live in a flat - why dont they understand you just cant do that!?

Why is it that you want something for so very long and anticipate it being such an amazing event and then when it actually happens it just isnt how you thought it would be and you end up angry and frustrated at it for no logical reason?

Ive spent since January trying to wangle it to get a friend of mine to switch jobs and come and work with me, he worked for the same organisation - just under a different umbrella but we get on so well and he went for my job and didnt get it, I felt a little bad, it seemed like them right thing to do to campaign for another role to be created, I lobbied for it, wrote the job description, sold the idea to him and all concerned, even managed to arrange our own office - he went for the job, got interviewed and landed it, started the job the other week.

But now we share an office I cant put my finger on why but im just not really that happy about it, the jovial banter that we always enjoyed is now annoying, I find myself snapping at him and struggling not to tear his head off, he doesnt leave me alone in the mornings and I am SO not a morning person. I dont understand why I feel like this. I wonder if I was thinking something might happen between us romantically and now ive realised I just dont like him in that way....so its all a bit pointless, in fact that initial feeling of meeting somebody cool has worn right off, I find so many things about him irritating.

On a different note, last night I was sick all over my bathroom then passed out and banged my head. Feel terrible today, getting too old for this kind of rock and roll behaviour...

Agyness Deyn is pissing me off simply by seeming to haunt me. Everywhere I turn at the moment I seem to be confronted with her 'elfin' hairdo, articles on her 'clones' (the Agy is the new Rachel in terms of hairstyle it seems), speculation about how she got those bruises on her legs, talk of why she changed her name from Laura Hollins (nice enough) to something more flamboyant (pretentious?) and then I turned the tv on at the weekend to check out quite how bad a decision moving the Friday Night Project to Sunday was only to find her singing with the band.

Model, singer, trend setter - she's irritatingly successful. But thats not why I dont like her. Im just sick of people acting like they have never seen someone wear doc martens before just because SHE is wearing them. Ive got 3 pairs and nobody cares. Mind you its probably 10 yrs since I last wore them...maybe I should dig them out....aaaagggh its happening, im becoming a sheep....

Also I had one of those dreams last night that was so disturbing and vivid and played to my every anxiety that I woke up (annoyingly an hour before my alarm was set) completely distraught. It took a good 10 mins to calm down and believe that it was only a dream but any chance of getting back to sleep was lost, partly as I was now wide awake and partly as fear of returning to this dream was too great. Bizarrely, the subject of this dream actually does have the potential to be true. It was my ex (he of previous blogs - estranged husband) and he was calmly telling me things I really did not want to hear. Graphic detail about him and the bitch (due to marry another bloke this month) who interfered and kicked it all off in the first place.

I dont know why my brain does these things to me. Everything ticking along just nicely? Right, time to throw another spanner in the works then. My therapy has taught me that thats just my way of dealing with it but it doesnt make it any easier to stomach when it happens.

I also have a bloke dilemma going on. Now dont get me wrong, im loving living on my own, im liking the taste of freedom and independance for the first time in my adult life...but it would be nice to try dating again, get the nice bits out of a casual relationship...and there are two potentials, both of whom im pretty sure would be quite open to the idea but both of whom present their own complications as below:

We shall call bloke one Clay because in literary terms he kinda reminds me of him (Less Than Zero) in that hes young, a scenester, cool and interesting. I fancy him a lot. He makes me laugh and I can tell he finds the potential of a (slightly) older woman quite appealing. I love the way he still has that passion about music and film that I remember having, there is only 7 years between us but ive seen and done a lot more, he's fairly naive - hasnt travelled much yet. The reason im cautious - I dated his brother years ago when the pair of us were at university, thats how I know him. Ive always kind of held a torch for his brother and we have come close to having dalliances since...and I dont know how much of that dictates me finding him attractive, they look alike, they have similar mannerisms. The older brother - I dont think he would like it AT ALL if I started seeing him. It might scupper the chance of our ross and rachel story having a happy ending....

Bloke 2 - we shall call him Gabriel (FFTMC), couple of years older than me, work colleague - was based elsewhere but as of next month I shall be sharing an office with him, hes the person I get on with best at work, we socialise a lot (hes cooking me dinner tonight) we have both had rough times with relationships this last year, we both enjoy being single at the moment, I have tons of fun with him and he is very laid back. But I dont physically find him attractive. I have tried. I guess he's just not my type in that way - but does that matter? Is personality what it should be all about? Surely there needs to be some sort of physical attraction too? Also there is the issue that if anything did happen it might be awkward at work.

Its been a while I know....been a bit busy globetrotting and furiously busy at work. I spent 3 weeks in australia and feel like I came back having learnt a lot more about myself and what im capable of (tolerating). I also learnt that as much as I absolutely adore my friend I would never be able to live with her, little things become incredibly annoying when you spend so much time together in a confined space, I also realised that you pick up on the things that they say literally about 500 times a day (I will be happy to NEVER hear the word 'absolutely' in response to a statement ever again). And for the record it is called THE INTERNET, not 'tinterweb' as she comically called it once and then annoyingly called it all the time. 

me: have we sorted a hotel for tonight?
her: no but we can check tinterweb back at the hotel.
me: I will be relieved once we have somewhere to stay.
her: absolutely.  

She is one of the most fun, laid back, cool people I have ever known...but she also has this annoying habit of eating at random times so that when it actually IS lunchtime or dinner time she isnt hungry. And her driving is enough to make your hair stand on end.

Anyway, enough of a rant....I also feel like the trip has answered a few questions for me, I know for sure that the life I lead now in terms of job, location etc is not enough for me. I want to explore, I want to try living and working somewhere entirely new. I also know that this 'new' place is definitely not Australia. I loved it as a country, it is beautiful, it is diverse and has some amazing people - but for me I couldnt get past the blatent racism, both against their own indiginous people and also to anyone non-white. I was very saddened to find that people of all ages and educations seem quite aggressively bigoted. Not just racist either but horribly homophobic, I dont want to live in a country with that kind of mindset.

So I now know that my previous intuition that America is the place I want to live has more creedence. Ive spent a lot of time there, I know it and its people quite well, I appreciate the good and the bad - but I DO think I could live there and have some amazing life experiences. For me, 'home' in the states would preferably be California where I have spent the most time, I wouldnt rule out living in New York, New Jersey, Washington, Pensylvania or the major cities like Detroit/Chicago/Atlanta either. In fact in order to get my foot in the door I would live just about anywhere. I feel like now at least I have an idea of which way my path is going - just not what the destination is exactly. Thats half the fun though.

Ive also found myself mellowing quite a lot about what matters and what does not. Ive learnt a lot of hard lessons about friends and friendships over the last few years and now I feel able to say for certain that going forwards I will only put effort into those friendships which I get something substantial out of. I can say no more often and more easily. I also realised that actually I have so many friends (even having dropped a few unexpectedly) that even to keep those ones going is actually like a part time job, my social life is insane at the moment trying to keep up with them all - so if I have whittled them down (deliberately or otherwise) then that has to be a positive thing.

Anyway, off to a meeting, trying to resist the urge to blurt out moving abroad plans to all and sundry including my boss who given our current workload would probably have a heart attack....

Its monday, I have had the new Madonna song stuck in my head on repeat now for about 48 hours, I think its great but its starting to get a little tiresome now....love the video though, seriously JT can dance, I could watch him for hours without getting bored.

Just over 4 weeks til I go to australia, cant wait. Have sorted all the basics now, visa, new passport, insurance etc, even bought some Aussie dollars. I really feel like I need to escape from all the shite.

Ive realised what a complete unhealthy pile of bollocks Facebook really is, I wish that culture would just hurry up and unleash the next big thing on us so we can all sign up like sheep and move away from it. Its like the worst kind of fake, popularity contest in the world. It forces you to bother getting in contact with people you havent spoken to since school (without acknowledging that there is probably a very good reason for that), some people seem to take the opportunity to upload photos of their every waking moment (like im really interested in seeing a photo from every saturday night since time began of the same 5/6 people in the same place doing the same thing just with different clothes on). 

Then there are the applications....you cant log in without navigating at least 15 requests to find out your stripper name/80s song/simpsons character or to respond to being 'bitten' by a werewolf, vampire, zombie, sent a virtual drink, duck a virtual custard pie etc etc etc.....is our workforce really so infatuated with this shite that the first thing they must do on getting into work in a morning is send a virtual round of tequila slammers to their equally office bound mates before answering that burning question of which member of kiss they would be, you know, if they had actually been in kiss and werent just pushing paper, working for the man and pretending they have a rock and roll lifestyle? No wonder this country is going downhill.

Also irritating is the newsfeed, there are some people in my life who I would rather not hear about, who if I had the balls to I would remove from my list of friends so as to prevent the accidental ruining of my day by being informed that they have just 'spanked' someone else. I think maybe the long and short of it is I need to remove my profile from these spawn of satan sites and just bear in mind that the real people in my life, the ones that matter, actually have my real life email address and mobile number, contact me because they actually have a reason to or something interesting to say and make the effort to be a real flesh and blood friend.

I think the definition of the word friend is getting very diluted. To my mind a friend is someone who cares enough to keep in touch and puts in as much as they get out, they actually exist to you as a person and you think of them in real terms, when you need them they really are there and they arent just there for the good times. A friend is not a number on a profile or a name on a list of people you have encountered through your life, a friend does not write happy birthday on your wall (because they sent you a card), a friend has seen you physically (or spoke to you properly offline) at least once in the last 6 months.

I have so many good, honest friends in my life I dont think I need all the fake ones. Maybe its time for a change.

What a shitty few days I have had. Ive been aching to pour it all out here as CBT tells me I should, to try and get a clearer perspective on everything and try and organize my thoughts and find a way through all the bullshit thats stopping me from relaxing right now.

Where to start....well im still battling so many difficult feelings relating to the breakdown of my marriage - in some ways this is made more difficult by the fact that we are still 'friends' and its all 'amicable' when really I sometimes just dont want to see him at all, or think about him, or remember he exists, or especially here about how great his life is, I can go for weeks perfectly happy just pretending he doesnt exist but then every so often something happens and I feel the need to know hes ok and we indulge in this strange dance of platonic friendship which always ALWAYS feels like pressing on a bruise for me....and usually involves me getting frustrated and upset at some point when he doesnt react the way I want him to about something.

People are selfish and blinkered and idiotic and insensitive and human. I can understand why people take certain decisions in their lives, ive done things im not proud of - but I will always try and evaluate why people may have done something before I cut them out of my life or blank them, or do something as incredibly childish as 'remove them as a friend on facebook' (I wonder if when Israel and Gaza fell out originally they highlighted their dislike of one another by a method as heavyweight as that).  I find it completely mystifying that people around my age can be so childish and also so thoughtless. Ive had such a shitty 18 months or so and whats gone on for me has obviously had an influence on my behaviour - thats surely just human nature as I reel from the most traumatic thing ive ever been through, some people just dont ever get out of bed, some turn to drugs and alcohol, some go off the rails while they rediscover themselves.

I guess its all taught me to spring clean my friends, I am blessed to have many - the difficulty is where we have a lot that are/were mutual and people have decided that their loyalty must lie with one or the other of us - even when we havent asked them to, the strange thing is that people have quite hurtfully made decisions that seem incredulous - like my best friend of 11 years (who was only friends with him because of me) telling me im too much like hard work and hes more fun and so shes going to make an effort with him but would rather I just fucked off and died (basically). Life is all about partying and fakeness and popularity for her and I dont fit the bill any more. It kills me that she cant be arsed to even wish me a happy birthday this year but that she has emailed him in the last few weeks to ask how he is and tell him to stay in touch - he thinks its kind of funny cos he doesnt care, but he'll tow the party line to ensure he still gets invites to the prom king and queens next 'crazy kids' night.

Rant over for now, im tired and I want to go to sleep and not have to think about this bollocks and be really self indulgent and watch katie and peter being reality fodder with a glass of rose.

Home - cant stop thinking about mr sheep farmer and his heady scent. Bruises have faded. Wondering what I will fill my weekend with and whether I should avoid the whole husband situation or face it head on or what. Wondering why I let him still invade my thoughts and dictate my feelings so much.