Ive had blogs before but never have I actively hidden my identity to enable me to talk honestly about the stupid situation I am in. The problem with blogs is that when people know you personally you censor what you write - whether consciously or not - and I genuinely need somewhere I can actually say whats really going on and what I really think about it. If I dont start getting these things out of my head there is a very real danger im going to make some stupid mistakes...sorry, MORE stupid mistakes...ive already made a fair few.

And because im paranoid, even in disguise, im going to have to give everybody code names that I discuss. Im going to use literary names because thats fairly easy and also because it amuses me to draw parallels between certain people in my life and the bastards, heroes, friends, villains and nonentities that I encounter in novels.

Its boxing day. Ive spent my afternoon rowing with my estranged husband / casual partner Darcy because despite the fact we have had various discussions over the past 6 months that we may be able to salvage the relationship (and he - aswell as me - has intimated that that is what he would like to do) he still cannot see my point of view on various things (more of which later) and is an expert at manipulating me mentally into backing into a corner and admitting defeat and apologising....he never apologises. It then frustrates me that I always end up in the subservient position and feeling like a fool and rolling over and playing dead to try and sort it out.

Some days I think the best thing to do would be to cut and run but there is a fatal flaw in that plan. I love him. At least I love the person I married nearly 5 years ago. I love the person that always put me first and made me feel special and cared for and restored my faith in men. But this person now is only 80% him. And he cant see the damage he did in the build up to our split over 15 months ago. Even now. Ive had cognitive behavioural therapy, straight counselling, time off work, anti depressants, sleeping pills, massage, endless discussions with people who care...he has had a whale of a time it would seem.

Now thats maybe an unfair portrayal and I should try and explain what it is about him that I still love, he is not an archetypal bastard, hes never been violent to me (and christ knows in the midst of the split I probably provoked him enough in my anger), hes never screwed me financially, hes never been unfaithful to me (physically and to the best of my knowledge). He still has incredibally high tolerance when I know im being difficult and he still looks out for me when I need him. But the difference is that what used to be an equal relationship now feels like hes in total control of.

I should explain what happened to cause the break up. He started a new job, we owned a house together and as far as I was concerned we were happy. We travelled a lot, enjoyed our lives, he was my best and closest friend ever. We had had a blip in the tail end of 2005 where he was so pre-occupied with work and texting secretively in the evenings that I became a little uneasy and did the unthinkable and checked his phone - I found lots of texts from some woman called Nell who he managed at work, he went ballistic when I confronted him and somehow I ended up apologising for checking his phone and he never really explained the texts but we worked it out and I trusted him (I later discovered she did indeed make a pass at him and he said no 'because he was married' although he did find her attractive). We moved on, I thought it made us stronger. He changed jobs and I relaxed.

Then in the spring of 2006 he found another new job and almost straight away the name of Emma (Bovary) became incessant in my life. How funny she was, how they clicked, how cool she was...and then she started texting in evenings despite the fact they spent all day together...I was rattled. I ignored it for a while but it quickly became apparent that this new office my husband was working in socialised heavily, they were a small unit and I was puzzled by the level of things they did together, this meant he spent a large amount of time outside of work with them on top of working hours. I started to get paranoid.

I started looking for signs, he started trying (badly) to hide the amount they were texting and if I asked who it was every time his phone beeped I could tell he was starting to lie to cover the fact it was her. She was single at the time too and 4 years younger than me. I was 'not allowed' to meet her which made me quite angry ("I need my own space" etc). I did something awful and checked his phone bill out online, it was plain that he wasnt only texting her but was ringing her as he drove to work and on his way home (I never established why, I assume he was giving her lifts - she doesnt drive), I confronted him in the knowledge he had spoken to her one night and he lied to my face. This was the start of a slippery slope. Now I genuinely believed he was hiding something otherwise why would he lie? Under questioning from me he admitted he found her attractive and then I rumbled an email between the two of them joking about their wedding day and I saw red.

It came out that I had looked at his phone bill online and he literally saw red and instead of it being him explaining what was going on or reassuring me that I was wrong or apologising for lying it was me that was the villain of the piece. I was paranoid, he couldnt see any future for us because I obviously didnt trust him (could you blame me?!), I had ruined the marriage with my paranoia. I didnt know what to do, we rowed hugely. He told me he thought it was over, I wanted us to go to counselling but he point blank refused. So I went home to my moms for a few days to think. I thought the space would make him realise we needed to sort things out.

Instead when I got home it was like getting blood out of a stone but he eventually spat out that a) he didnt love me anymore, b) he didnt find me attractive anymore and c) he didnt see me as a wife, but that he wasnt certain it wasnt salvagable he just couldnt guarantee anything. Emma came up repeatedly and it bacame his mantra that I (!) was obsessed with her and she had nothing to do with it. He still says she had nothing to do with why we broke up, I say she was a huge part of the catalyst and not just her - the way he acted about her, the way he protected her, told me she was attractive but I wasnt - what was I supposed to think?!

We had a holiday booked a few weeks after this and we had to decide whether we went or not. It became a make-or-break holiday. I felt from the word go like it was him testing me - Like I had to prove to him I could change, not him, because I knew I still loved him and I wanted it to work and he couldnt even commit to that. Every time we talked about it he could not say he actually 'wanted' it to work, it was always 'I dont know'. So the onus always felt like it was on me to prove it COULD work and remind him why he used to love me. Ironically I think this is the exact situation we are back in again now....

The holiday was so strange. We were in this tropical amazing place, a happy couple to the naked eye but battling our demons (and each other) behind closed doors. He did agree to no phones for the holiday so for the first time in months Emma wasnt mentally with us the whole time which helped. A week in I broke down and threw in the towel and said agreed to the split. I was so tired after weeks and weeks of emotional turmoil and anxiety and stress that I just gave up the fight.

We went to the bar. I felt numb. We had cocktails. We had another few days to get through before we could go home. It was absolutely awful.

Came home, I was signed off work and used the time to get away with a good friend, Charlotte, who was in a similar situation. Talking to her while we were away helped. I occassionally would ring home and speak to him and get incredibly upset, I had asked him not to tell Emma I was going away (I dont know why I thought this would make me feel better but as far as I was concerned this was between me and him and none of her business) but in one of my first calls home he said he had told her. I wanted to strangle him for his insensitivity.

I came home, we put the house on the market and it sold on the first day. Within 8 weeks we were moving out and it was xmas. It all happened so fast. I fell to pieces during those last weeks living together, there were times when I wished I could obliterate this slut who had so carelessly torn my life apart, she knew he was married, why couldnt she see anything wrong with her endless contact with him? But what goes around comes around, I know she will get hers one day.

I spent a thoroughly miserable christmas back at my parents in the bedroom I hadnt inhabited alone in about 8 years. He chose boxing day to create a social networking profile listing himself as single and with two photographs of Emma in soft porn poses in his photos. He disagrees that they are 'soft porn' but in both she is on a bed wearing not a lot and giving it 'arent I hot?' eyes. Not the kind of thing you generally give to a work colleague really but as he cant ever be wrong about these things its obviously some kind of fault in me that I found it so upsetting.

Anyway, as 2007 rolled round we didnt have much contact, I threw myself into work and focussed on finding a place of my own (forgot to mention he moved ultra fast and moved straight from our house to a new bachlor pad), I had a lot of therapy but I was also drinking a lot to cope with the pain and the despair that I still felt every day. In spring this came to a head as I moved into a place of my own, the loneliness drove me mad and triggered a downward spiral...it was messy and I will come back to events here which are still having a knock on effect...then I went on an enlightening journey (literally) across a different continent with a friend and realised I could do things on my own. I came back more positive and strong but still vulnerable, one step at a time...

Over the summer I slowly became able to see him without it turning into a row, meanwhile Emma got engaged to be married and I actually belived him that nothing had ever physically happened between him and her (not for lack of desire I dont think). Mental/emotional infidelity is just as damaging in my book though.

We started to spend time together for pleasure again and then late summer we had a conversation that changed everything. By now I was soaring at work (the pay off from throwing myself into it), starting to like my own space and the freedom of living alone and enjoying my social life. We had a conversation about how we missed the good bits of the marriage, the relationship we used to have, I asked whether he thought we might have been too quick to throw in the towel, he said yes, I asked whether he thought we could potentially work it out, he said he had been thinking along these lines but didnt want to say anything in case it got my hopes up....I got my hopes up.

We booked a holiday, travel was always a shared passion and he admitted that he preferred travelling with me to anyone else, I felt similar. We went on a city break and it felt like old times, we laughed, we had fun, significantly we held hands and kissed and talked about possibilities....he wanted us to take things very slowly, so do I, he couldnt commit to any kind of timetable or make any promises or even say what he really hoped for out of the situation (ringing any bells!?)....we came home...

People started to ask questions, I guess its unorthodox a year after splitting to go on holiday with the person you split up with. I avoided the subject.

So in the last few months I have moved again and im much happier with my new home, it feels like my little haven. Me and him have been on another city break with similar results and a begrudging acknowledgment that we are casually seeing each other. Each of these milestones feels like a huge achievement and he keeps insisting that we must not rush it etc....

Give or take thousands of little details this pretty much brings it up to date...boxing day. We have spent the afternoon together, his phone rings...its Emma (obviously not too pre-occupied with her own family/fiancee at xmas to remember she cant go for more than a few hours - still - without contacting him)...I bite my lip. He takes the call outside my flat. I struggle. I go out to get something from the car because im annoyed and as I come back past him on the stairs I shout 'hello' to her and I can see by the look on his face that hes annoyed. So when he comes back in hes immediately confrontational and im shaking with anger that its immediately me in the wrong. I point out that im just being civil.

Hence the row.

And so we argued things, I said we have to confront these issues, he pulled his continual trump card (that I havent changed and therefore hes not so sure now that we can work it out), I justify things to the point of begging and then hate myself for it. I started this blog to let things out. This is the potted background to my situation, even typing all this out has helped to some extent and I will now continue to use this space to let it out and try and help me figure where I go from here.

If you just read all this then I hope you are having a nice christmas wherever you may be. If you have any comment on it then im listening.

Goodnight for now

FD