I am slowly learning that sometimes it takes a major event in your life before you actually step back and evaluate your friendships - and that when you do, it can sometimes reveal some unexpected things.
Since my last and only post over christmas when I was mulling over the dying corpse of my marriage I have come to realise that I do have a certain amount of control - namely over my decisions, and for the sake of my own health I have decided that for me right now I just need to be away from the situation and thinking about me before anything else for a while. In doing this I have found a certain amount of peace. Im starting to feel more positive.
Strangely - if I look at who is in my life now compared to this time last year there are more differences than I could ever have predicted, my best friend (of some 10 years) is not around, the friendship became so demanding for both of us last year that I think we are both enjoying some distance from it at the moment.
The people I always assumed would support me through everything sometimes turned out to not be supportive at all. Those who I never considered particularly close on the other hand have been amazing.
And someone who in the very distant past was a major pain in the arse, acted like a madman, bordered on being a stalker, wrote mental obsessive poetry, scared me to death as a housemate, is now acting like mr fucking moralistic, holier than thou because of a stupid drunken incident that happened months ago. Ok so he was party to it and it cant have been comfortable - for which I have apologised - but rather than accept it he has given me a lecture of mammoth patronizing proportions which is rather rich considering the shit ive forgiven him for. What did I do that was so insanely wrong and immoral? I drunkenly shared a snog with a friend who is in a long term relationship.
Do I feel bad about it? Of course I do. I know and like his girlfriend very much. It was a really stupid and wrong thing to do. It was not something I planned on doing, it was not something I ever guessed would happen, it was just one of those things that sometimes do because of a fatal cocktail of drink, laughter and silly talk. It meant nothing to either of us and we both felt shitty about it. However (and this is where men really come into their own with being emotional retards) we talked it out the next day and the day after that and I was left with the impression that it was all sorted as far as it could be....and he asked me to not speak to anyone about it and I said ok and stupidly stuck to my word. I then return home, still feeling sheepish and stupid about it but not singing like a canary and what does he do?
A) he tells his girlfriend immediately (but does not have the courtesy to warn me he has done this - what if I had met her in the street unaware she knew?)
B ) he talks to the above mentioned friend we were staying with, apologises and makes out it was all one way (ie I pounced on him)
C) he tells our mutual friends this same false version of events which basically makes out I was sober and he was paraletic and poor little drunk boy just couldnt say no
at this point I should point out we are both 29 years old. Not actually at school anymore....
and all the while im biting my tongue out of misplaced loyalty thinking he hasnt told a soul. I was rather shocked when I suddenly had the twisted version of events relayed to me. I dont know why im surprised anymore, it would seem that a lot of people I have considered friends over the last few years are turning out to be complete arseholes.....
anyway - when I then apologised to the other friend involved he gave me a moralistic bollocking. I didnt realise he was the only person with a working moral compass.
rant over, I better get some work done....
