Somewhere to let it all out

What a shitty few days I have had. Ive been aching to pour it all out here as CBT tells me I should, to try and get a clearer perspective on everything and try and organize my thoughts and find a way through all the bullshit thats stopping me from relaxing right now.

Where to start....well im still battling so many difficult feelings relating to the breakdown of my marriage - in some ways this is made more difficult by the fact that we are still 'friends' and its all 'amicable' when really I sometimes just dont want to see him at all, or think about him, or remember he exists, or especially here about how great his life is, I can go for weeks perfectly happy just pretending he doesnt exist but then every so often something happens and I feel the need to know hes ok and we indulge in this strange dance of platonic friendship which always ALWAYS feels like pressing on a bruise for me....and usually involves me getting frustrated and upset at some point when he doesnt react the way I want him to about something.

People are selfish and blinkered and idiotic and insensitive and human. I can understand why people take certain decisions in their lives, ive done things im not proud of - but I will always try and evaluate why people may have done something before I cut them out of my life or blank them, or do something as incredibly childish as 'remove them as a friend on facebook' (I wonder if when Israel and Gaza fell out originally they highlighted their dislike of one another by a method as heavyweight as that).  I find it completely mystifying that people around my age can be so childish and also so thoughtless. Ive had such a shitty 18 months or so and whats gone on for me has obviously had an influence on my behaviour - thats surely just human nature as I reel from the most traumatic thing ive ever been through, some people just dont ever get out of bed, some turn to drugs and alcohol, some go off the rails while they rediscover themselves.

I guess its all taught me to spring clean my friends, I am blessed to have many - the difficulty is where we have a lot that are/were mutual and people have decided that their loyalty must lie with one or the other of us - even when we havent asked them to, the strange thing is that people have quite hurtfully made decisions that seem incredulous - like my best friend of 11 years (who was only friends with him because of me) telling me im too much like hard work and hes more fun and so shes going to make an effort with him but would rather I just fucked off and died (basically). Life is all about partying and fakeness and popularity for her and I dont fit the bill any more. It kills me that she cant be arsed to even wish me a happy birthday this year but that she has emailed him in the last few weeks to ask how he is and tell him to stay in touch - he thinks its kind of funny cos he doesnt care, but he'll tow the party line to ensure he still gets invites to the prom king and queens next 'crazy kids' night.

Rant over for now, im tired and I want to go to sleep and not have to think about this bollocks and be really self indulgent and watch katie and peter being reality fodder with a glass of rose.

Home - cant stop thinking about mr sheep farmer and his heady scent. Bruises have faded. Wondering what I will fill my weekend with and whether I should avoid the whole husband situation or face it head on or what. Wondering why I let him still invade my thoughts and dictate my feelings so much.

since the breakdown of my marriage I have not been out on the razz sleeping with all and sundry because im just not really into that, in fact in the 18 months since we split I have only had one one night stand and that just literally was a daft, drunken mistake. But I have NEVER until last night just met someone and felt this immediate, almost primal lust for them.

This morning I have a black bruise on my lip from being bitten hard, I like that, my god he played rough and he evidently enjoyed being in control which did it for me totally. I like dominant men. He is a sheep farmer. No word of a lie, you could tell from his weather hardened hands and amazingly toned and tanned arms and shoulders and back that he spends most of his life outside, he wore a dog whistle round his neck, I had it in my mouth a lot, during sex, when I woke up this morning, I tried to keep it, he wouldnt let me....

I knew the minute he sat at our table in a busy central london pub that there was something about this guy, despite the age difference of 9 years there was a wiseness to him and something in his manner that suggested he was up for a good time and knew how to show you one. My god he did. I can see why women like toyboys and he still had the arrogance of youth which I found incredibly sexy.

Within half an hour of meeting him we had moved to another pub, he immediately sat next to me and put his hand on my knee and I was kinda bowled over by his confidence, I turned to look at him in shock but before I could say anything he kissed me and it was like I lost my mind and any semblance of rationality in 3 seconds flat. He locked me with this forceful stare and simply said ‘come with me’. I did. Leaving bemused at the table my best friend and his brother

when he took off his shirt and stood there in front of me in a black army style vest and his jeans I could have literally melted, I wanted him to keep it on, he didnt do what I wanted him to and he made me beg. He made me bahave like a hooker because I wanted him with every fibre of my being but there was something so arousing in that. He got a kick out of telling this older, married woman what he wanted me to do, treating me mean, being in control. I fought him. It was the most deliciously violent sex ive ever had when he finally stopped being a bastard and teasing me. I have proper bite marks and bruises. I feel violated for the first time since I was a teenager, it feels like well earned battle scars.

In the middle of the night I woke up and we were still tangled up and all I could smell was his sweat but there was something about it that sent me wild. If I didnt believe in pheromones before I do now. I wanted to bottle it.

I took him to westminster this morning and let him go his merry way. I was hungover, knackered, gratified, mesmirised and wishing he didnt live 10,000 miles away. He left me aching for more. He left me bruised and satisfied. He left me reeling.

Today he went off to france for the next leg of his travels but he will be back in NZ by the end of the week.
 
I think the fact that I spend my professional life in a male arena, always trying to prove my ability and equality to men, means secretly I just like to cave in and be dominated by a man, this doesnt happen much because in my experience 95% of men get their kicks off being dominated by women. Give me a fight first, or a struggle but let me know you are going to get what you want

Part of me this morning was horrified at myself for behaving like that with a stranger but then I thought - you know what, I deserve some down time, I deserve some fun, I didnt hurt anyone. I guess its just its out of character for me to do that and so I feel uneasy about it. Im an adult, I make my own decisions so im not going to beat myself up about it.