What a shitty few days I have had. Ive been aching to pour it all out here as CBT tells me I should, to try and get a clearer perspective on everything and try and organize my thoughts and find a way through all the bullshit thats stopping me from relaxing right now.

Where to start....well im still battling so many difficult feelings relating to the breakdown of my marriage - in some ways this is made more difficult by the fact that we are still 'friends' and its all 'amicable' when really I sometimes just dont want to see him at all, or think about him, or remember he exists, or especially here about how great his life is, I can go for weeks perfectly happy just pretending he doesnt exist but then every so often something happens and I feel the need to know hes ok and we indulge in this strange dance of platonic friendship which always ALWAYS feels like pressing on a bruise for me....and usually involves me getting frustrated and upset at some point when he doesnt react the way I want him to about something.

People are selfish and blinkered and idiotic and insensitive and human. I can understand why people take certain decisions in their lives, ive done things im not proud of - but I will always try and evaluate why people may have done something before I cut them out of my life or blank them, or do something as incredibly childish as 'remove them as a friend on facebook' (I wonder if when Israel and Gaza fell out originally they highlighted their dislike of one another by a method as heavyweight as that).  I find it completely mystifying that people around my age can be so childish and also so thoughtless. Ive had such a shitty 18 months or so and whats gone on for me has obviously had an influence on my behaviour - thats surely just human nature as I reel from the most traumatic thing ive ever been through, some people just dont ever get out of bed, some turn to drugs and alcohol, some go off the rails while they rediscover themselves.

I guess its all taught me to spring clean my friends, I am blessed to have many - the difficulty is where we have a lot that are/were mutual and people have decided that their loyalty must lie with one or the other of us - even when we havent asked them to, the strange thing is that people have quite hurtfully made decisions that seem incredulous - like my best friend of 11 years (who was only friends with him because of me) telling me im too much like hard work and hes more fun and so shes going to make an effort with him but would rather I just fucked off and died (basically). Life is all about partying and fakeness and popularity for her and I dont fit the bill any more. It kills me that she cant be arsed to even wish me a happy birthday this year but that she has emailed him in the last few weeks to ask how he is and tell him to stay in touch - he thinks its kind of funny cos he doesnt care, but he'll tow the party line to ensure he still gets invites to the prom king and queens next 'crazy kids' night.

Rant over for now, im tired and I want to go to sleep and not have to think about this bollocks and be really self indulgent and watch katie and peter being reality fodder with a glass of rose.