Somewhere to let it all out

Ive had such a weird few weeks that have included sitting in a KGB prison cell in Vilnius, Lithuania, contemplating just about every aspect of my life, grieving, comforting family, backing out of a job interview and realising that nothing is ever as simple as you want it to be and absolutely everything happens for a reason.

I dont want to talk about the grieving bit because I feel ive done it to death (oh the pun) and its not going to do me any favours. Needless to say everybody knows what it feels like to lose someone and knowing its an inevitable part of life never makes it any easier.

Vilnius was quite something. I wasn't actually overly enamoured with it and I have to say it probably ranks somewhere near the bottom of my places ive visited list. I guess when you have spent considerable time exploring such beautiful cities as Rome, Paris and Prague then Viunius feels cold, concrete, unengaging and very very Russian (which is no bad thing necessarily but quite different). Riga, Latvia, a mere few hundred miles away is pretty and quaint and very medievil but Vilnius seems to have been built by the same people who built aberdeen. We were unlucky in that it drizzled continuously and was grey grey grey the whole time we were there which didnt help. Even Aberdeen has a glittering quality when the sun falls on the granite walls.

The food was not quite inedible but difficult to navigate. We had a fantastic vegan curry on our final night but everywhere else the concept of vegetarianism seemed completely misunderstood. 'Vegetarian' food we had included a pizza (labelled vegetarian) which had a sneaky layer of ham underneath the topping, hidden as if to trick you into eating it so someone could then jump out and go 'SEE ! IT WON'T KILL YOU!' as if your dietary choices were made through naivity or ignorance.  Also 'vegetarian' - the classic 'beer snack' of cooked garlic rubbed rye bread......fried in pig fat. I have bought a loaf of said rye bread home and perfected cooking it with ground nut oil, its incredibly tasty.

I am at a loss as to why Vilnius has both UNESCO world heritage status and is the capital of culture next year. I mean if they wanted a baltic city Riga is much nicer. In Vilnius the people seem to have this depressing air hanging over them (apparently much similar to Poland and it could realistically be stemming from the same reasons) but it doesnt endorse the place to you. I have to say that I have also NEVER in my life experienced such utterly appalling (pretty much non existent) service anywhere. At first we thought it was kinda funny but by the time we left it was actually just incredibly frustrating that every time we sat down you just knew you had to factor in half an hour each to get menus/to get our order taken/to get drinks/to subsequently get the bill....it was tedious. At times we could actually see our order on the bar waiting and it was just a complete loss as to why the seemingly capable waiter/waitress was just ignoring it. Bizarre.

The KGB prison was fascinating in a very morbid way. The padded cell got me, there was no light. If you werent mad before you would be when you got out. Horrible place.

Anyway, other stuff - I backed out of the interview previously mentioned and may have commited professional suicide in doing so, I hope not. Other events in my life have taken precendance in recent weeks and I had to make some tough decisions. Actually I felt relief immediately on backing out of it which meant I knew I had made the right decision. The friend I was up against didnt get it either. Mad world.

Things in the office seem more settled and im trying to embrace the management side of my role even though I hate it. Interesting times ahead I think. Nothing doing romantically although I keep having very bizarre dreams, last night it was that I pulled on a train somewhere but my aunt was there trying to stop it. I was drinking tea out of a glass milk bottle and was terrified it was going to break in my mouth.

anyway, im very very glad its friday and as I am skint I shall be doing very little and certainly not going out. How very rock and roll of me.

So....whats making me feel like this? Well it seems at the moment that every area of my life is at some kind of cross roads and I could do without having to make decisions about it all which may come back to haunt me. Work for instance, the tension between me and the friend I share an office with has been resolved but now we have both gone for another job (same org just higher position) and have both been shortlisted for interviewed. We were pitted against each other for the role I currently have....to complicate matters further I am not even sure I want the role....its a swings and roundabouts thing - I would trade line management (which I hate) for longer working hours (to include breakfast meetings etc), the money is slightly better (next scale up) but I would lose my expenses because of where its based so overall would probably be bringing home the same, the profile is much higher - working on executive level and thats probably the biggest draw - but that means that the pressure to perform would be higher. Hmmm.

At home there are various shitty situations going on, family are going through a rough time and im acting as a constant sounding board for various members, then there is the problem of the people downstairs...is it me or is it just plain rude to do/allow the following things when you live in a block of flats?

1) Hammer repeatedly for over an hour at gone midnight

2) Have the flat FULL of people laughing, joking, shouting until the early hours with all the windows open on a weeknight (frequently)

3) On one particular night as described in (2) allow 4 children under the age of 6 to run up and down the communal stairs repeatedly ringing the flats buzzer and yelling through the intercom and when confronted on this at 12.15am to respond with 'they're kids - what do you want me to do?'

They have also installed a GIGANTIC satellite dish on the side of their flat directly under my living room window despite the fact ALL of the flats have a lease agreement to use the communal dishes and not install their own....its now playing havoc with my sky plus which keeps freezing.

Thankfully since the start of Ramadan they have gone suspiciously quiet, im assuming that the fasting during the day means they only want to eat and sleep of an evening and leave the partying/furniture building to daylight hours. Its so strange, since the moment they moved in they are quiet during the day and dont even start making noise til gone 10pm...they live in a flat - why dont they understand you just cant do that!?