Somewhere to let it all out

Starting as I mean to go on....

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 17:25:49 +0100

I really am trying to blog more as promised this year and as im sitting here watching the soap omnibus marathon it seemed like an opportune time, watching the various storylines around child abduction, murder, adultery and the like makes you realise that life could indeed be a whole lot worse.

Bunnybunbunbun - you needn't apologise, I set my birthday wrong on here as January rather than december which is why it didnt show as my birthday the other day. Thank you for the message anyway I think when I did it it was because I genuinely need this place to be somewhere I can write freely and without fear of anyone I know reading it so I thought not putting my real birthday was a good idea, now im not so bothered but I still want to be 'undiscovered' if you know what I mean because its liberating and I need this outlet. I hope that doesnt make me seem deceitful.

It was a lovely birthday considering and the last few days have been interesting to say the least. My husband and I had an interesting conversation last night, at the end of which I felt like I had lost a massive weight off my shoulders. Basically we agreed that we are indeed working towards sorting out our marriage and that its going well and we are happy. I knew I was but this confirmation from him was so valuable. Usually its very difficult to get him to talk about his feelings or anything emotional but last night he did. And he agreed it feels different this time and that we seem to be back on the same wavelength that always made is special in the first place.

I feel weird, cautious, happy and relieved. Most of all I just feel like everything is happening as it should and that however this turns out that was how it was supposed to be, thats a totally new mindset for me but I feel like its the right and the best one to have for me at this moment in time.

If you had said to me a year ago that this is how things would be I wouldnt have believed you. We arent going to rush things though, part of me has learned to absolutely love living on my own, I guess if things go well we will have to get used to living together again. I guess the biggest lesson I learnt over the last 2 years is to be happy on my own and enjoy my own company, I will NEVER give that up again and I guess maybe thats why things are starting to work out for us again, im independent and confident rather than clingy and possessive. We have both done a lot of growing up during this hiatus.

Anyway, I am so not in the mood for work tomorrow, this christmas break has gone way too fast. Im sure at least half the country are with me on that one though. Onwards and upwards I guess....

Comments

New Year, turning 30 and other stuff

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 13:56:26 +0100

Hello

Well its been a while and so much has been happening, but with the new year having just arrived and me having also turned 30 on new years eve, it seemed an appropriate time to catch up or attempt to.

Im feeling really strange this morning, bizarrely I dont have a hangover and maybe this is because I was actually quite 'sensible' and didnt drink a silly amount (sign I am indeed becoming an 'adult' ??) but it feels kinda strange to be sitting here just a little tired. Im reflecting on so much right now and its freaking me out a little, I always find that I tend to do this round my birthday/new year but this year more than ever before I feel the need to reassess where I am with everything. Maybe its the hitting 30 thing.

So the things that are going round in my head are a little confusing. Work has been really weird the last 6 months or so because people were let go at the end of their contracts, the atmosphere was strained, ive been knackered and pretty pissed off with my job for a while and my own contract comes to an end in mid 2009, as things stand at the moment I cant bank on getting another and maybe thats just confirmation that its time to move on. The problem is though that I have another year of my MBA to do and so leaving them before thats finished would not be a wise move financially. We will have to see what this year brings, I love sharing the office with my friend now though, we have managed to get into routine with it and I cant imagine him not being there now.

Relationship is weird at the moment and has been for a while, me and my husband have been spending a LOT of time together and really enjoying it and I dont know where thats leading. I think there is more reason to work on a marriage than abandon it but I just dont know whether things will get back towards that or not and the strange thing is I feel ok not knowing at the moment, maybe because knowing would involve possible heartbreak all over again. We have a couple of holidays booked already for 2009 and I take that as a sign of progress. Of course I still love him as much as I ever had, I just cant switch it off.

I have learnt that friends are not forever. Friends can be very false and can let you down even when you thought they never would. They can be duplicitous deceitful and downright nasty. I actually have learnt not to be so damned reliant on other peoples acceptance. On the flip side I have realised that some friendships I perhaps didnt value as much as others, were stronger than I gave them credit for, that you can find support in the places you least expect it. I have stopped caring whether people dislike me because thats life, there are many people I dislike, it cant be helped.

I need to do some more thinking around what I want to get out of this year and then I will be back. I need a bath and a ponder. Happy New Year to one and all, honest to blog I will be posting more regularly this year

Comments

Weird wired week

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 11:25:36 +0200

Good morning

Ive had such a weird few weeks that have included sitting in a KGB prison cell in Vilnius, Lithuania, contemplating just about every aspect of my life, grieving, comforting family, backing out of a job interview and realising that nothing is ever as simple as you want it to be and absolutely everything happens for a reason.

I dont want to talk about the grieving bit because I feel ive done it to death (oh the pun) and its not going to do me any favours. Needless to say everybody knows what it feels like to lose someone and knowing its an inevitable part of life never makes it any easier.

Vilnius was quite something. I wasn't actually overly enamoured with it and I have to say it probably ranks somewhere near the bottom of my places ive visited list. I guess when you have spent considerable time exploring such beautiful cities as Rome, Paris and Prague then Viunius feels cold, concrete, unengaging and very very Russian (which is no bad thing necessarily but quite different). Riga, Latvia, a mere few hundred miles away is pretty and quaint and very medievil but Vilnius seems to have been built by the same people who built aberdeen. We were unlucky in that it drizzled continuously and was grey grey grey the whole time we were there which didnt help. Even Aberdeen has a glittering quality when the sun falls on the granite walls.

The food was not quite inedible but difficult to navigate. We had a fantastic vegan curry on our final night but everywhere else the concept of vegetarianism seemed completely misunderstood. 'Vegetarian' food we had included a pizza (labelled vegetarian) which had a sneaky layer of ham underneath the topping, hidden as if to trick you into eating it so someone could then jump out and go 'SEE ! IT WON'T KILL YOU!' as if your dietary choices were made through naivity or ignorance. Also 'vegetarian' - the classic 'beer snack' of cooked garlic rubbed rye bread......fried in pig fat. I have bought a loaf of said rye bread home and perfected cooking it with ground nut oil, its incredibly tasty.

I am at a loss as to why Vilnius has both UNESCO world heritage status and is the capital of culture next year. I mean if they wanted a baltic city Riga is much nicer. In Vilnius the people seem to have this depressing air hanging over them (apparently much similar to Poland and it could realistically be stemming from the same reasons) but it doesnt endorse the place to you. I have to say that I have also NEVER in my life experienced such utterly appalling (pretty much non existent) service anywhere. At first we thought it was kinda funny but by the time we left it was actually just incredibly frustrating that every time we sat down you just knew you had to factor in half an hour each to get menus/to get our order taken/to get drinks/to subsequently get the bill....it was tedious. At times we could actually see our order on the bar waiting and it was just a complete loss as to why the seemingly capable waiter/waitress was just ignoring it. Bizarre.

The KGB prison was fascinating in a very morbid way. The padded cell got me, there was no light. If you werent mad before you would be when you got out. Horrible place.

Anyway, other stuff - I backed out of the interview previously mentioned and may have commited professional suicide in doing so, I hope not. Other events in my life have taken precendance in recent weeks and I had to make some tough decisions. Actually I felt relief immediately on backing out of it which meant I knew I had made the right decision. The friend I was up against didnt get it either. Mad world.

Things in the office seem more settled and im trying to embrace the management side of my role even though I hate it. Interesting times ahead I think. Nothing doing romantically although I keep having very bizarre dreams, last night it was that I pulled on a train somewhere but my aunt was there trying to stop it. I was drinking tea out of a glass milk bottle and was terrified it was going to break in my mouth.

anyway, im very very glad its friday and as I am skint I shall be doing very little and certainly not going out. How very rock and roll of me.

This woman in the office im gatecrashing today WILL NOT STOP clearing her throat, seriously she must have something wrong with her but im reaching the point where im going to throw a hole punch or some other moderately heavy desk object at her. Its pissing me off...how many hours til I can go home, get my pyjamas on and stop thinking?!

Comments

shout, shout, let it all out....

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 15:48:41 +0200

I feel like writing in purple today so im going to....im not listening to Tears for Fears but the sentiment of that song fits how im feeling at the moment, its like this unshakeable miasma of discontent has settled over me and is making me feel the need to either do something radical to blow the cobwebs away or stand and scream until it all feels better....the latter would be the easier option but given my current dispute with my nightmare neighbours downstairs I think it might be a case of 2 steps forwards and then half a mile back....

So....whats making me feel like this? Well it seems at the moment that every area of my life is at some kind of cross roads and I could do without having to make decisions about it all which may come back to haunt me. Work for instance, the tension between me and the friend I share an office with has been resolved but now we have both gone for another job (same org just higher position) and have both been shortlisted for interviewed. We were pitted against each other for the role I currently have....to complicate matters further I am not even sure I want the role....its a swings and roundabouts thing - I would trade line management (which I hate) for longer working hours (to include breakfast meetings etc), the money is slightly better (next scale up) but I would lose my expenses because of where its based so overall would probably be bringing home the same, the profile is much higher - working on executive level and thats probably the biggest draw - but that means that the pressure to perform would be higher. Hmmm.

At home there are various shitty situations going on, family are going through a rough time and im acting as a constant sounding board for various members, then there is the problem of the people downstairs...is it me or is it just plain rude to do/allow the following things when you live in a block of flats?

1) Hammer repeatedly for over an hour at gone midnight

2) Have the flat FULL of people laughing, joking, shouting until the early hours with all the windows open on a weeknight (frequently)

3) On one particular night as described in (2) allow 4 children under the age of 6 to run up and down the communal stairs repeatedly ringing the flats buzzer and yelling through the intercom and when confronted on this at 12.15am to respond with 'they're kids - what do you want me to do?'

They have also installed a GIGANTIC satellite dish on the side of their flat directly under my living room window despite the fact ALL of the flats have a lease agreement to use the communal dishes and not install their own....its now playing havoc with my sky plus which keeps freezing.

Thankfully since the start of Ramadan they have gone suspiciously quiet, im assuming that the fasting during the day means they only want to eat and sleep of an evening and leave the partying/furniture building to daylight hours. Its so strange, since the moment they moved in they are quiet during the day and dont even start making noise til gone 10pm...they live in a flat - why dont they understand you just cant do that!?

Given the cumulative lack of sleep im probably actually coping better than expected. God I wish I lived in California.

Comments

TFI Friday

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 20:50:37 +0200

Hey

Why is it that you want something for so very long and anticipate it being such an amazing event and then when it actually happens it just isnt how you thought it would be and you end up angry and frustrated at it for no logical reason?

Ive spent since January trying to wangle it to get a friend of mine to switch jobs and come and work with me, he worked for the same organisation - just under a different umbrella but we get on so well and he went for my job and didnt get it, I felt a little bad, it seemed like them right thing to do to campaign for another role to be created, I lobbied for it, wrote the job description, sold the idea to him and all concerned, even managed to arrange our own office - he went for the job, got interviewed and landed it, started the job the other week.

But now we share an office I cant put my finger on why but im just not really that happy about it, the jovial banter that we always enjoyed is now annoying, I find myself snapping at him and struggling not to tear his head off, he doesnt leave me alone in the mornings and I am SO not a morning person. I dont understand why I feel like this. I wonder if I was thinking something might happen between us romantically and now ive realised I just dont like him in that way....so its all a bit pointless, in fact that initial feeling of meeting somebody cool has worn right off, I find so many things about him irritating.

On a different note, last night I was sick all over my bathroom then passed out and banged my head. Feel terrible today, getting too old for this kind of rock and roll behaviour...

Currently reading another CJ Samson novel but finding it pretty hard going compared to Dissolution, this ones called Soverign, it follows Henry VIII's progress to York with his new bride Katherine Howard but it hasnt gripped me at all. Got a queue waiting to read next. Wish I had a holiday coming up on which to indulge, I intend on totally chilling this weekend too.....

Comments

Bad dreams and Agyness Deyn

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 11:49:35 +0200

....these are the things that are distracting me today. I have so much whirring round my head, coupled with horrible toothache. I am waiting for my dentist to phone me back after he has finished his obligatory dance round his chair over how much its going to cost to sort out the problem I have (as yet unconfirmed but likely a wisdom tooth growing under one of my back ones).

Agyness Deyn is pissing me off simply by seeming to haunt me. Everywhere I turn at the moment I seem to be confronted with her 'elfin' hairdo, articles on her 'clones' (the Agy is the new Rachel in terms of hairstyle it seems), speculation about how she got those bruises on her legs, talk of why she changed her name from Laura Hollins (nice enough) to something more flamboyant (pretentious?) and then I turned the tv on at the weekend to check out quite how bad a decision moving the Friday Night Project to Sunday was only to find her singing with the band.

Model, singer, trend setter - she's irritatingly successful. But thats not why I dont like her. Im just sick of people acting like they have never seen someone wear doc martens before just because SHE is wearing them. Ive got 3 pairs and nobody cares. Mind you its probably 10 yrs since I last wore them...maybe I should dig them out....aaaagggh its happening, im becoming a sheep....

Also I had one of those dreams last night that was so disturbing and vivid and played to my every anxiety that I woke up (annoyingly an hour before my alarm was set) completely distraught. It took a good 10 mins to calm down and believe that it was only a dream but any chance of getting back to sleep was lost, partly as I was now wide awake and partly as fear of returning to this dream was too great. Bizarrely, the subject of this dream actually does have the potential to be true. It was my ex (he of previous blogs - estranged husband) and he was calmly telling me things I really did not want to hear. Graphic detail about him and the bitch (due to marry another bloke this month) who interfered and kicked it all off in the first place.

I dont know why my brain does these things to me. Everything ticking along just nicely? Right, time to throw another spanner in the works then. My therapy has taught me that thats just my way of dealing with it but it doesnt make it any easier to stomach when it happens.

I also have a bloke dilemma going on. Now dont get me wrong, im loving living on my own, im liking the taste of freedom and independance for the first time in my adult life...but it would be nice to try dating again, get the nice bits out of a casual relationship...and there are two potentials, both of whom im pretty sure would be quite open to the idea but both of whom present their own complications as below:

We shall call bloke one Clay because in literary terms he kinda reminds me of him (Less Than Zero) in that hes young, a scenester, cool and interesting. I fancy him a lot. He makes me laugh and I can tell he finds the potential of a (slightly) older woman quite appealing. I love the way he still has that passion about music and film that I remember having, there is only 7 years between us but ive seen and done a lot more, he's fairly naive - hasnt travelled much yet. The reason im cautious - I dated his brother years ago when the pair of us were at university, thats how I know him. Ive always kind of held a torch for his brother and we have come close to having dalliances since...and I dont know how much of that dictates me finding him attractive, they look alike, they have similar mannerisms. The older brother - I dont think he would like it AT ALL if I started seeing him. It might scupper the chance of our ross and rachel story having a happy ending....

Bloke 2 - we shall call him Gabriel (FFTMC), couple of years older than me, work colleague - was based elsewhere but as of next month I shall be sharing an office with him, hes the person I get on with best at work, we socialise a lot (hes cooking me dinner tonight) we have both had rough times with relationships this last year, we both enjoy being single at the moment, I have tons of fun with him and he is very laid back. But I dont physically find him attractive. I have tried. I guess he's just not my type in that way - but does that matter? Is personality what it should be all about? Surely there needs to be some sort of physical attraction too? Also there is the issue that if anything did happen it might be awkward at work.

My head says Gabriel is the safer, sensible, less controversial choice....but my heart says Clay. Im seeing them both this week...guess we will just have to wait and see....maybe neither is the best answer here.

Comments

musings

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 13:30:45 +0200

Bonjuor

Its been a while I know....been a bit busy globetrotting and furiously busy at work. I spent 3 weeks in australia and feel like I came back having learnt a lot more about myself and what im capable of (tolerating). I also learnt that as much as I absolutely adore my friend I would never be able to live with her, little things become incredibly annoying when you spend so much time together in a confined space, I also realised that you pick up on the things that they say literally about 500 times a day (I will be happy to NEVER hear the word 'absolutely' in response to a statement ever again). And for the record it is called THE INTERNET, not 'tinterweb' as she comically called it once and then annoyingly called it all the time.

me: have we sorted a hotel for tonight?
her: no but we can check tinterweb back at the hotel.
me: I will be relieved once we have somewhere to stay.
her: absolutely.

She is one of the most fun, laid back, cool people I have ever known...but she also has this annoying habit of eating at random times so that when it actually IS lunchtime or dinner time she isnt hungry. And her driving is enough to make your hair stand on end.

Anyway, enough of a rant....I also feel like the trip has answered a few questions for me, I know for sure that the life I lead now in terms of job, location etc is not enough for me. I want to explore, I want to try living and working somewhere entirely new. I also know that this 'new' place is definitely not Australia. I loved it as a country, it is beautiful, it is diverse and has some amazing people - but for me I couldnt get past the blatent racism, both against their own indiginous people and also to anyone non-white. I was very saddened to find that people of all ages and educations seem quite aggressively bigoted. Not just racist either but horribly homophobic, I dont want to live in a country with that kind of mindset.

So I now know that my previous intuition that America is the place I want to live has more creedence. Ive spent a lot of time there, I know it and its people quite well, I appreciate the good and the bad - but I DO think I could live there and have some amazing life experiences. For me, 'home' in the states would preferably be California where I have spent the most time, I wouldnt rule out living in New York, New Jersey, Washington, Pensylvania or the major cities like Detroit/Chicago/Atlanta either. In fact in order to get my foot in the door I would live just about anywhere. I feel like now at least I have an idea of which way my path is going - just not what the destination is exactly. Thats half the fun though.

Ive also found myself mellowing quite a lot about what matters and what does not. Ive learnt a lot of hard lessons about friends and friendships over the last few years and now I feel able to say for certain that going forwards I will only put effort into those friendships which I get something substantial out of. I can say no more often and more easily. I also realised that actually I have so many friends (even having dropped a few unexpectedly) that even to keep those ones going is actually like a part time job, my social life is insane at the moment trying to keep up with them all - so if I have whittled them down (deliberately or otherwise) then that has to be a positive thing.

Anyway, off to a meeting, trying to resist the urge to blurt out moving abroad plans to all and sundry including my boss who given our current workload would probably have a heart attack....

final of the apprentice tonight....my money's on Claire....

Comments

4 Minutes to save the world

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 14:04:27 +0200

Hey

Its monday, I have had the new Madonna song stuck in my head on repeat now for about 48 hours, I think its great but its starting to get a little tiresome now....love the video though, seriously JT can dance, I could watch him for hours without getting bored.

Just over 4 weeks til I go to australia, cant wait. Have sorted all the basics now, visa, new passport, insurance etc, even bought some Aussie dollars. I really feel like I need to escape from all the shite.

Ive realised what a complete unhealthy pile of bollocks Facebook really is, I wish that culture would just hurry up and unleash the next big thing on us so we can all sign up like sheep and move away from it. Its like the worst kind of fake, popularity contest in the world. It forces you to bother getting in contact with people you havent spoken to since school (without acknowledging that there is probably a very good reason for that), some people seem to take the opportunity to upload photos of their every waking moment (like im really interested in seeing a photo from every saturday night since time began of the same 5/6 people in the same place doing the same thing just with different clothes on).

Then there are the applications....you cant log in without navigating at least 15 requests to find out your stripper name/80s song/simpsons character or to respond to being 'bitten' by a werewolf, vampire, zombie, sent a virtual drink, duck a virtual custard pie etc etc etc.....is our workforce really so infatuated with this shite that the first thing they must do on getting into work in a morning is send a virtual round of tequila slammers to their equally office bound mates before answering that burning question of which member of kiss they would be, you know, if they had actually been in kiss and werent just pushing paper, working for the man and pretending they have a rock and roll lifestyle? No wonder this country is going downhill.

Also irritating is the newsfeed, there are some people in my life who I would rather not hear about, who if I had the balls to I would remove from my list of friends so as to prevent the accidental ruining of my day by being informed that they have just 'spanked' someone else. I think maybe the long and short of it is I need to remove my profile from these spawn of satan sites and just bear in mind that the real people in my life, the ones that matter, actually have my real life email address and mobile number, contact me because they actually have a reason to or something interesting to say and make the effort to be a real flesh and blood friend.

I think the definition of the word friend is getting very diluted. To my mind a friend is someone who cares enough to keep in touch and puts in as much as they get out, they actually exist to you as a person and you think of them in real terms, when you need them they really are there and they arent just there for the good times. A friend is not a number on a profile or a name on a list of people you have encountered through your life, a friend does not write happy birthday on your wall (because they sent you a card), a friend has seen you physically (or spoke to you properly offline) at least once in the last 6 months.

I have so many good, honest friends in my life I dont think I need all the fake ones. Maybe its time for a change.

At least the rant has dislodged Madge and JT from my brain....for now....

Comments

Vida Loca

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 22:30:43 +0100

Hey

What a shitty few days I have had. Ive been aching to pour it all out here as CBT tells me I should, to try and get a clearer perspective on everything and try and organize my thoughts and find a way through all the bullshit thats stopping me from relaxing right now.

Where to start....well im still battling so many difficult feelings relating to the breakdown of my marriage - in some ways this is made more difficult by the fact that we are still 'friends' and its all 'amicable' when really I sometimes just dont want to see him at all, or think about him, or remember he exists, or especially here about how great his life is, I can go for weeks perfectly happy just pretending he doesnt exist but then every so often something happens and I feel the need to know hes ok and we indulge in this strange dance of platonic friendship which always ALWAYS feels like pressing on a bruise for me....and usually involves me getting frustrated and upset at some point when he doesnt react the way I want him to about something.

People are selfish and blinkered and idiotic and insensitive and human. I can understand why people take certain decisions in their lives, ive done things im not proud of - but I will always try and evaluate why people may have done something before I cut them out of my life or blank them, or do something as incredibly childish as 'remove them as a friend on facebook' (I wonder if when Israel and Gaza fell out originally they highlighted their dislike of one another by a method as heavyweight as that). I find it completely mystifying that people around my age can be so childish and also so thoughtless. Ive had such a shitty 18 months or so and whats gone on for me has obviously had an influence on my behaviour - thats surely just human nature as I reel from the most traumatic thing ive ever been through, some people just dont ever get out of bed, some turn to drugs and alcohol, some go off the rails while they rediscover themselves.

I guess its all taught me to spring clean my friends, I am blessed to have many - the difficulty is where we have a lot that are/were mutual and people have decided that their loyalty must lie with one or the other of us - even when we havent asked them to, the strange thing is that people have quite hurtfully made decisions that seem incredulous - like my best friend of 11 years (who was only friends with him because of me) telling me im too much like hard work and hes more fun and so shes going to make an effort with him but would rather I just fucked off and died (basically). Life is all about partying and fakeness and popularity for her and I dont fit the bill any more. It kills me that she cant be arsed to even wish me a happy birthday this year but that she has emailed him in the last few weeks to ask how he is and tell him to stay in touch - he thinks its kind of funny cos he doesnt care, but he'll tow the party line to ensure he still gets invites to the prom king and queens next 'crazy kids' night.

Rant over for now, im tired and I want to go to sleep and not have to think about this bollocks and be really self indulgent and watch katie and peter being reality fodder with a glass of rose.

Life really is bollocks sometimes.

Comments

nutshells

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 13:27:02 +0100

Work - completely manic in the face of impending crisis, so thankful for a long weekend coming up, having to be reactive at the moment due to the amount of stuff going on and the admin staff are doing my head in by screeching and laughing and interrupting like there is nothing of concern going on (nothing aside from the local asda closing down probably would to be fair). I wish I had my own office.

Home - cant stop thinking about mr sheep farmer and his heady scent. Bruises have faded. Wondering what I will fill my weekend with and whether I should avoid the whole husband situation or face it head on or what. Wondering why I let him still invade my thoughts and dictate my feelings so much.

Everything else - that woman who does the weather forecast on BBC breakfast - whats WRONG with her? honestly I end up willing her to breathe everytime I watch her, she wheezes and gasps the whole time like she cant catch her breath, it makes me anxious. I dont want to feel anxious while im waking up. Once you have noticed it you just cant stop either.

Comments

Oh.My. God.

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 22:07:47 +0100

Last night for the first time in my life I did something rather crazy - I met a young and incredibly attractive kiwi guy (20) and I just HAD to have him...

since the breakdown of my marriage I have not been out on the razz sleeping with all and sundry because im just not really into that, in fact in the 18 months since we split I have only had one one night stand and that just literally was a daft, drunken mistake. But I have NEVER until last night just met someone and felt this immediate, almost primal lust for them.

This morning I have a black bruise on my lip from being bitten hard, I like that, my god he played rough and he evidently enjoyed being in control which did it for me totally. I like dominant men. He is a sheep farmer. No word of a lie, you could tell from his weather hardened hands and amazingly toned and tanned arms and shoulders and back that he spends most of his life outside, he wore a dog whistle round his neck, I had it in my mouth a lot, during sex, when I woke up this morning, I tried to keep it, he wouldnt let me....

I knew the minute he sat at our table in a busy central london pub that there was something about this guy, despite the age difference of 9 years there was a wiseness to him and something in his manner that suggested he was up for a good time and knew how to show you one. My god he did. I can see why women like toyboys and he still had the arrogance of youth which I found incredibly sexy.

Within half an hour of meeting him we had moved to another pub, he immediately sat next to me and put his hand on my knee and I was kinda bowled over by his confidence, I turned to look at him in shock but before I could say anything he kissed me and it was like I lost my mind and any semblance of rationality in 3 seconds flat. He locked me with this forceful stare and simply said ‘come with me’. I did. Leaving bemused at the table my best friend and his brother

when he took off his shirt and stood there in front of me in a black army style vest and his jeans I could have literally melted, I wanted him to keep it on, he didnt do what I wanted him to and he made me beg. He made me bahave like a hooker because I wanted him with every fibre of my being but there was something so arousing in that. He got a kick out of telling this older, married woman what he wanted me to do, treating me mean, being in control. I fought him. It was the most deliciously violent sex ive ever had when he finally stopped being a bastard and teasing me. I have proper bite marks and bruises. I feel violated for the first time since I was a teenager, it feels like well earned battle scars.

In the middle of the night I woke up and we were still tangled up and all I could smell was his sweat but there was something about it that sent me wild. If I didnt believe in pheromones before I do now. I wanted to bottle it.

I took him to westminster this morning and let him go his merry way. I was hungover, knackered, gratified, mesmirised and wishing he didnt live 10,000 miles away. He left me aching for more. He left me bruised and satisfied. He left me reeling.

Today he went off to france for the next leg of his travels but he will be back in NZ by the end of the week.

I think the fact that I spend my professional life in a male arena, always trying to prove my ability and equality to men, means secretly I just like to cave in and be dominated by a man, this doesnt happen much because in my experience 95% of men get their kicks off being dominated by women. Give me a fight first, or a struggle but let me know you are going to get what you want

Part of me this morning was horrified at myself for behaving like that with a stranger but then I thought - you know what, I deserve some down time, I deserve some fun, I didnt hurt anyone. I guess its just its out of character for me to do that and so I feel uneasy about it. Im an adult, I make my own decisions so im not going to beat myself up about it.

Today I have veered between a smug feeling that I had him and he wanted me and it was bloody amazing and uneasiness that I had a one night stand that was so intense and disappointment that I really want him again and I cant have him and he lives on the other side of the planet. I spent, what, 12 hours with him? And im besotted. Pushing the bruise on my lip with my tongue every so often to feel the sweet pain he created. Wishing he was still pulling my hair and biting my neck and ordering me about. Christ. If there is a god, please, somehow, make my path cross with his again at some point!

Comments

bleary eyed thursday

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 10:20:56 +0100

Why is it that some mornings your sleepy eyes just will not accept contact lenses? This morning just one eye was not having any of it and ive had to resort to glasses. And I look like ive had no sleep because my eyes are all bloodshot.

Yesterday I got a papercut across my knuckle and its quite literally the most painful cut I have ever sustained.

I wish it was friday.

People on the telly this morning were arguing over whether bottled water or tap water is best....I heard recently that to produce 1 litre of bottled water it can take up to 7 litres of tap water in the production and bottling. That seems insane given we live in a world where some children are forced to drink polluted river water due to no clean source. Give me tap water any day, stick some ice and lemon in it and I dont think you can tell the difference anyway.

I have a meeting with my staff in a bit. My staff (2) seem to have an inane ability to piss people off. This is my first management role and I think im making a pigs ear of it so far - this morning im going in guns blazing. I think they think im a soft touch. Hmmm. It feels like trying to run a kindergarten to be honest.

Anyway....have a nice day

Comments

Bonjour

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 12:01:48 +0100

I am slowly learning that sometimes it takes a major event in your life before you actually step back and evaluate your friendships - and that when you do, it can sometimes reveal some unexpected things.

Since my last and only post over christmas when I was mulling over the dying corpse of my marriage I have come to realise that I do have a certain amount of control - namely over my decisions, and for the sake of my own health I have decided that for me right now I just need to be away from the situation and thinking about me before anything else for a while. In doing this I have found a certain amount of peace. Im starting to feel more positive.

Strangely - if I look at who is in my life now compared to this time last year there are more differences than I could ever have predicted, my best friend (of some 10 years) is not around, the friendship became so demanding for both of us last year that I think we are both enjoying some distance from it at the moment.

The people I always assumed would support me through everything sometimes turned out to not be supportive at all. Those who I never considered particularly close on the other hand have been amazing.

And someone who in the very distant past was a major pain in the arse, acted like a madman, bordered on being a stalker, wrote mental obsessive poetry, scared me to death as a housemate, is now acting like mr fucking moralistic, holier than thou because of a stupid drunken incident that happened months ago. Ok so he was party to it and it cant have been comfortable - for which I have apologised - but rather than accept it he has given me a lecture of mammoth patronizing proportions which is rather rich considering the shit ive forgiven him for. What did I do that was so insanely wrong and immoral? I drunkenly shared a snog with a friend who is in a long term relationship.

Do I feel bad about it? Of course I do. I know and like his girlfriend very much. It was a really stupid and wrong thing to do. It was not something I planned on doing, it was not something I ever guessed would happen, it was just one of those things that sometimes do because of a fatal cocktail of drink, laughter and silly talk. It meant nothing to either of us and we both felt shitty about it. However (and this is where men really come into their own with being emotional retards) we talked it out the next day and the day after that and I was left with the impression that it was all sorted as far as it could be....and he asked me to not speak to anyone about it and I said ok and stupidly stuck to my word. I then return home, still feeling sheepish and stupid about it but not singing like a canary and what does he do?

A) he tells his girlfriend immediately (but does not have the courtesy to warn me he has done this - what if I had met her in the street unaware she knew?)
B ) he talks to the above mentioned friend we were staying with, apologises and makes out it was all one way (ie I pounced on him)
C) he tells our mutual friends this same false version of events which basically makes out I was sober and he was paraletic and poor little drunk boy just couldnt say no

at this point I should point out we are both 29 years old. Not actually at school anymore....

and all the while im biting my tongue out of misplaced loyalty thinking he hasnt told a soul. I was rather shocked when I suddenly had the twisted version of events relayed to me. I dont know why im surprised anymore, it would seem that a lot of people I have considered friends over the last few years are turning out to be complete arseholes.....

anyway - when I then apologised to the other friend involved he gave me a moralistic bollocking. I didnt realise he was the only person with a working moral compass.

rant over, I better get some work done....

Comments

Where to begin....part 1

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 23:27:35 +0100

Ive had blogs before but never have I actively hidden my identity to enable me to talk honestly about the stupid situation I am in. The problem with blogs is that when people know you personally you censor what you write - whether consciously or not - and I genuinely need somewhere I can actually say whats really going on and what I really think about it. If I dont start getting these things out of my head there is a very real danger im going to make some stupid mistakes...sorry, MORE stupid mistakes...ive already made a fair few.

And because im paranoid, even in disguise, im going to have to give everybody code names that I discuss. Im going to use literary names because thats fairly easy and also because it amuses me to draw parallels between certain people in my life and the bastards, heroes, friends, villains and nonentities that I encounter in novels.

Its boxing day. Ive spent my afternoon rowing with my estranged husband / casual partner Darcy because despite the fact we have had various discussions over the past 6 months that we may be able to salvage the relationship (and he - aswell as me - has intimated that that is what he would like to do) he still cannot see my point of view on various things (more of which later) and is an expert at manipulating me mentally into backing into a corner and admitting defeat and apologising....he never apologises. It then frustrates me that I always end up in the subservient position and feeling like a fool and rolling over and playing dead to try and sort it out.

Some days I think the best thing to do would be to cut and run but there is a fatal flaw in that plan. I love him. At least I love the person I married nearly 5 years ago. I love the person that always put me first and made me feel special and cared for and restored my faith in men. But this person now is only 80% him. And he cant see the damage he did in the build up to our split over 15 months ago. Even now. Ive had cognitive behavioural therapy, straight counselling, time off work, anti depressants, sleeping pills, massage, endless discussions with people who care...he has had a whale of a time it would seem.

Now thats maybe an unfair portrayal and I should try and explain what it is about him that I still love, he is not an archetypal bastard, hes never been violent to me (and christ knows in the midst of the split I probably provoked him enough in my anger), hes never screwed me financially, hes never been unfaithful to me (physically and to the best of my knowledge). He still has incredibally high tolerance when I know im being difficult and he still looks out for me when I need him. But the difference is that what used to be an equal relationship now feels like hes in total control of.

I should explain what happened to cause the break up. He started a new job, we owned a house together and as far as I was concerned we were happy. We travelled a lot, enjoyed our lives, he was my best and closest friend ever. We had had a blip in the tail end of 2005 where he was so pre-occupied with work and texting secretively in the evenings that I became a little uneasy and did the unthinkable and checked his phone - I found lots of texts from some woman called Nell who he managed at work, he went ballistic when I confronted him and somehow I ended up apologising for checking his phone and he never really explained the texts but we worked it out and I trusted him (I later discovered she did indeed make a pass at him and he said no 'because he was married' although he did find her attractive). We moved on, I thought it made us stronger. He changed jobs and I relaxed.

Then in the spring of 2006 he found another new job and almost straight away the name of Emma (Bovary) became incessant in my life. How funny she was, how they clicked, how cool she was...and then she started texting in evenings despite the fact they spent all day together...I was rattled. I ignored it for a while but it quickly became apparent that this new office my husband was working in socialised heavily, they were a small unit and I was puzzled by the level of things they did together, this meant he spent a large amount of time outside of work with them on top of working hours. I started to get paranoid.

I started looking for signs, he started trying (badly) to hide the amount they were texting and if I asked who it was every time his phone beeped I could tell he was starting to lie to cover the fact it was her. She was single at the time too and 4 years younger than me. I was 'not allowed' to meet her which made me quite angry ("I need my own space" etc). I did something awful and checked his phone bill out online, it was plain that he wasnt only texting her but was ringing her as he drove to work and on his way home (I never established why, I assume he was giving her lifts - she doesnt drive), I confronted him in the knowledge he had spoken to her one night and he lied to my face. This was the start of a slippery slope. Now I genuinely believed he was hiding something otherwise why would he lie? Under questioning from me he admitted he found her attractive and then I rumbled an email between the two of them joking about their wedding day and I saw red.

It came out that I had looked at his phone bill online and he literally saw red and instead of it being him explaining what was going on or reassuring me that I was wrong or apologising for lying it was me that was the villain of the piece. I was paranoid, he couldnt see any future for us because I obviously didnt trust him (could you blame me?!), I had ruined the marriage with my paranoia. I didnt know what to do, we rowed hugely. He told me he thought it was over, I wanted us to go to counselling but he point blank refused. So I went home to my moms for a few days to think. I thought the space would make him realise we needed to sort things out.

Instead when I got home it was like getting blood out of a stone but he eventually spat out that a) he didnt love me anymore, b) he didnt find me attractive anymore and c) he didnt see me as a wife, but that he wasnt certain it wasnt salvagable he just couldnt guarantee anything. Emma came up repeatedly and it bacame his mantra that I (!) was obsessed with her and she had nothing to do with it. He still says she had nothing to do with why we broke up, I say she was a huge part of the catalyst and not just her - the way he acted about her, the way he protected her, told me she was attractive but I wasnt - what was I supposed to think?!

We had a holiday booked a few weeks after this and we had to decide whether we went or not. It became a make-or-break holiday. I felt from the word go like it was him testing me - Like I had to prove to him I could change, not him, because I knew I still loved him and I wanted it to work and he couldnt even commit to that. Every time we talked about it he could not say he actually 'wanted' it to work, it was always 'I dont know'. So the onus always felt like it was on me to prove it COULD work and remind him why he used to love me. Ironically I think this is the exact situation we are back in again now....

The holiday was so strange. We were in this tropical amazing place, a happy couple to the naked eye but battling our demons (and each other) behind closed doors. He did agree to no phones for the holiday so for the first time in months Emma wasnt mentally with us the whole time which helped. A week in I broke down and threw in the towel and said agreed to the split. I was so tired after weeks and weeks of emotional turmoil and anxiety and stress that I just gave up the fight.

We went to the bar. I felt numb. We had cocktails. We had another few days to get through before we could go home. It was absolutely awful.

Came home, I was signed off work and used the time to get away with a good friend, Charlotte, who was in a similar situation. Talking to her while we were away helped. I occassionally would ring home and speak to him and get incredibly upset, I had asked him not to tell Emma I was going away (I dont know why I thought this would make me feel better but as far as I was concerned this was between me and him and none of her business) but in one of my first calls home he said he had told her. I wanted to strangle him for his insensitivity.

I came home, we put the house on the market and it sold on the first day. Within 8 weeks we were moving out and it was xmas. It all happened so fast. I fell to pieces during those last weeks living together, there were times when I wished I could obliterate this slut who had so carelessly torn my life apart, she knew he was married, why couldnt she see anything wrong with her endless contact with him? But what goes around comes around, I know she will get hers one day.

I spent a thoroughly miserable christmas back at my parents in the bedroom I hadnt inhabited alone in about 8 years. He chose boxing day to create a social networking profile listing himself as single and with two photographs of Emma in soft porn poses in his photos. He disagrees that they are 'soft porn' but in both she is on a bed wearing not a lot and giving it 'arent I hot?' eyes. Not the kind of thing you generally give to a work colleague really but as he cant ever be wrong about these things its obviously some kind of fault in me that I found it so upsetting.

Anyway, as 2007 rolled round we didnt have much contact, I threw myself into work and focussed on finding a place of my own (forgot to mention he moved ultra fast and moved straight from our house to a new bachlor pad), I had a lot of therapy but I was also drinking a lot to cope with the pain and the despair that I still felt every day. In spring this came to a head as I moved into a place of my own, the loneliness drove me mad and triggered a downward spiral...it was messy and I will come back to events here which are still having a knock on effect...then I went on an enlightening journey (literally) across a different continent with a friend and realised I could do things on my own. I came back more positive and strong but still vulnerable, one step at a time...

Over the summer I slowly became able to see him without it turning into a row, meanwhile Emma got engaged to be married and I actually belived him that nothing had ever physically happened between him and her (not for lack of desire I dont think). Mental/emotional infidelity is just as damaging in my book though.

We started to spend time together for pleasure again and then late summer we had a conversation that changed everything. By now I was soaring at work (the pay off from throwing myself into it), starting to like my own space and the freedom of living alone and enjoying my social life. We had a conversation about how we missed the good bits of the marriage, the relationship we used to have, I asked whether he thought we might have been too quick to throw in the towel, he said yes, I asked whether he thought we could potentially work it out, he said he had been thinking along these lines but didnt want to say anything in case it got my hopes up....I got my hopes up.

We booked a holiday, travel was always a shared passion and he admitted that he preferred travelling with me to anyone else, I felt similar. We went on a city break and it felt like old times, we laughed, we had fun, significantly we held hands and kissed and talked about possibilities....he wanted us to take things very slowly, so do I, he couldnt commit to any kind of timetable or make any promises or even say what he really hoped for out of the situation (ringing any bells!?)....we came home...

People started to ask questions, I guess its unorthodox a year after splitting to go on holiday with the person you split up with. I avoided the subject.

So in the last few months I have moved again and im much happier with my new home, it feels like my little haven. Me and him have been on another city break with similar results and a begrudging acknowledgment that we are casually seeing each other. Each of these milestones feels like a huge achievement and he keeps insisting that we must not rush it etc....

Give or take thousands of little details this pretty much brings it up to date...boxing day. We have spent the afternoon together, his phone rings...its Emma (obviously not too pre-occupied with her own family/fiancee at xmas to remember she cant go for more than a few hours - still - without contacting him)...I bite my lip. He takes the call outside my flat. I struggle. I go out to get something from the car because im annoyed and as I come back past him on the stairs I shout 'hello' to her and I can see by the look on his face that hes annoyed. So when he comes back in hes immediately confrontational and im shaking with anger that its immediately me in the wrong. I point out that im just being civil.

Hence the row.

And so we argued things, I said we have to confront these issues, he pulled his continual trump card (that I havent changed and therefore hes not so sure now that we can work it out), I justify things to the point of begging and then hate myself for it. I started this blog to let things out. This is the potted background to my situation, even typing all this out has helped to some extent and I will now continue to use this space to let it out and try and help me figure where I go from here.

If you just read all this then I hope you are having a nice christmas wherever you may be. If you have any comment on it then im listening.

Goodnight for now

Comments